The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
