Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
