he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
