This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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