i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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