mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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