dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
