I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
