just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
