Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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