I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
