Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
