someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
