The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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