porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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