I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He? As in you personified your dick?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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