Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
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My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
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When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
that may or may not have been my penis.
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