I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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