my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
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doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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