Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
