she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
