oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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