This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
