Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
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