Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
