apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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