the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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