You made me cry and you don't even care
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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