Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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