Plan B is the new Plan A
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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