just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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