I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
