We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
