spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
