maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
