I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
operation have a gay friend backfired
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
