the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
