Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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