dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
then he tried to convert me to islam
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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