so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
