Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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