i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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