my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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