I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
