when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
