nut hugger
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
