if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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