Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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