Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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