I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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