I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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