Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
