In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
