we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
