I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
