We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
