Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just invented taco cereal.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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