The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
