haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
