I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just saw a hot homeless man
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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