She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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