Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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