She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
