Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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